One Day Closer

Sometimes I forget I wasn’t alive two years ago.

There was someone that looked a little like me, with much shorter hair of course, walking around and going by a different name. They weren’t really alive though; they were an empty shell, spent and tired. I feel bad for them now. Even after we somehow got free of depression, the world still felt subdued, and there was always something missing. I tried filling that hole with books, which helped distract from the pain a little, but didn’t do much to make things better. I also tried filling that hole with religion, which just made everything so, so much worse. Finally, I tried filling it with other people, and that was a giant dumpster fire.

Get Over It

I was misgendered today.

Well, not quite. I was participating in some ‘stress-relieving’ activity at work, and the girl leading it was telling us how it worked. “So I throw the ball to him, he throws it to him, he throws it to…” and here she looked at me and paused for a very noticeable second, at a loss, before continuing, “then the ball goes over there, and he throws it to him.”

No one else seemed to notice, but it couldn’t have been more obvious to me. I couldn’t help but silently laugh at how terribly she’d handled it, but afterwards I just kept feeling worse and worse about it. She had no clue I’m a woman. How humiliating is that?

Sing the Changes

Like the sun playing
In the morning
Feel the quiet
Feel the thunder…

Today I remembered how I bought a mandolin out of nowhere one day because one, Paul McCartney has one and used it for Dance Tonight; and two, I was acting like a clingy child with someone close to me, and they’d told me to back off a bit.

I remember crying, walking on the street and seeing a music shop. I walked in, and left a few minutes later a few hundred thousand pesos poorer, with a mandolin slung over my shoulder.

That was weird.
I’ve always had odd ways of dealing with emotional issues.

Anyway. This has next to nothing to do with today’s topic, but I was trying to think of a clever title that had to do with changes, and a Paul McCartney song was the first thing that came to mind, which reminded me of my mandolin story.
Here’s the actual post:

Stream-of-consciousness

I’m feeling very, very tired today and have had a stressful time overall. I tried sitting down and writing something, but my mind kept wandering.
So instead of fighting it, I’ll go along with it and make a super artsy post. Fingers crossed it ends up being something remotely close to worth reading.