Getting to Be a Person

Sometimes I refer to my pre-transition self as a ‘shallow husk’ or ‘not really a person’, among other disparaging terms. The reason for that is partly misplaced resentment at having had to be them, living in the closet, partly justified anger at how weirdly sexist I was back then, but mostly it’s the fact that well, it’s true.

Before I came out, I was the equivalent of oatmeal. I was… there. There wasn’t much to like or dislike about me (apart from the clinginess and misogyny), because there wasn’t much to me. I had things I liked, but that was about as deep as I went. I didn’t have meaningful connections with any other person, and I didn’t have much of a personality. Continue reading

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Time

Today marks the start of NaNoWriMo. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s an organised challenge for people to write a novel in a month. The name’s shorthand for National Novel Writing Month. I’ve always found it an interesting concept, and even considered trying it this year. Ultimately, I decided I didn’t have enough time to write a thousand or more words a day. Or rather, I did have the time, but I’d rather use it to read, or spend time with friends. However, then I remembered this blog, and that I’m already writing a thousand or more words three days a week, which is very nearly half a week.

Maybe the real reason that I’m not doing NaNoWriMo is that I’m afraid of doing badly, and don’t feel ready. I mention it because all this led to me thinking about how I use my time. I spend three hours or more a week working on this blog. Without counting the ride to and from work, I usually spend between three and five hours a week riding my bicycle. I spend about three hours and a half every week in watching football. I’m currently spending a massive chunk of my day, between five and seven hours, reading. Continue reading