Getting to Be a Person

Sometimes I refer to my pre-transition self as a ‘shallow husk’ or ‘not really a person’, among other disparaging terms. The reason for that is partly misplaced resentment at having had to be them, living in the closet, partly justified anger at how weirdly sexist I was back then, but mostly it’s the fact that well, it’s true.

Before I came out, I was the equivalent of oatmeal. I was… there. There wasn’t much to like or dislike about me (apart from the clinginess and misogyny), because there wasn’t much to me. I had things I liked, but that was about as deep as I went. I didn’t have meaningful connections with any other person, and I didn’t have much of a personality.

Voice

Would you like to hear someone’s voice turn from deep and masculine to feminine?

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This is something I published in a facebook group I’m in. Most of you are also from the group but plenty aren’t, so I’m sharing it here, since it’s pretty interesting.

So my gender therapist messaged me earlier in the week and asked if I still had the number for my old voice therapist, since she wanted to recommend him to a new client of hers.

I looked him up in my old email account, and while getting his info, I stumbled on some old recordings of my voice. And oh my god, it’s so terrible. I don’t know how I ever thought it sounded anything but horrible. Which makes me feel a little anxious, as I might look back at my current voice in a few years and feel the same way.

I thought it might be slightly amusing and of interest to hear what that old voice sounded like, and how it’s changed over the last couple of years.

A Story, or Rather Two Stories in One

I was on the bus a block from my apartment when I decided on a whim to just get off the bus and go get my nails done at the salon by the bus stop.

I had to wait a little while, but I’d brought my kindle, so it wasn’t a big deal. When they finally called me, I went to the little special chair, and relaxed as the girl there started working on my nails.

As she worked, I started thinking of… I don’t know, it must have been about two years ago. I’d been going to different salons and getting a clear coat for a few months. It’s not uncommon for guys to do that here, though it’s more common in those with money.

Anyways, socially acceptable or not, it helped get my gender dysphoria down slightly.

Dealing with Rejection

Yesterday I went to a nerdy convention we have in my country each year. It’s a ton of fun to be around people geeking out about everything, seeing kickass cosplay, and buying random nerdy gewgaws. Quick aside, how cool is it that ‘gewgaw’ was a word I already knew and didn’t have to find in a synonym dictionary? Oh, not that cool or interesting? Nevermind, sorry.

Anyways. I’ve been going to this con every year for the past five years except for last year, since I was too overwhelmed with the stress and loneliness of coming out. It was a pretty tough year, honestly. I mean sure, I felt happier than I ever had before, but my life pre-transition had set the bar for happiness very, very near the ground. It really didn’t take much to improve on it.