Dealing with Rejection

Yesterday I went to a nerdy convention we have in my country each year. It’s a ton of fun to be around people geeking out about everything, seeing kickass cosplay, and buying random nerdy gewgaws. Quick aside, how cool is it that ‘gewgaw’ was a word I already knew and didn’t have to find in a synonym dictionary? Oh, not that cool or interesting? Nevermind, sorry.

Anyways. I’ve been going to this con every year for the past five years except for last year, since I was too overwhelmed with the stress and loneliness of coming out. It was a pretty tough year, honestly. I mean sure, I felt happier than I ever had before, but my life pre-transition had set the bar for happiness very, very near the ground. It really didn’t take much to improve on it. Continue reading

Perception

I feel like half of my posts on this blog are the sort of thing stoned 14-year olds talk about when they want to sound deep. Still, apparently a bunch of people are into reading that, so here’s another post along those lines.

I received a message today from a member of the facebook group I’m an admin for. I’ve been a part of that community for a few years now, so when the chance to help serve it came up, I decided to go for it. It’s been interesting. Most days it’s no work at all, some days it’s an overwhelming amount of work. Continue reading

Confidence

For the last few years, ‘fake it till you make it’ has been sort of my life mantra.

It’s been applying to everything I do, from working at different positions I didn’t have much experience in, to starting transition and presenting as a gender I hadn’t been raised to present as. Most significantly, I’ve applied it in the context of self-growth.

I wrote a little bit on Sunday about my issues with clinginess, and how difficult my natural intensity makes it to let go of ideas and of people. One of the most helpful strategies at improving in this has been to think of how someone independent and self-sufficient would act and think, and try to emulate it.

What that led to was me missing someone so much it hurt. Maybe I’d force myself to leave the house without my phone, or I’d set periods of time (an hour, or a couple of days) when I wasn’t “allowed” to contact that person. My reasoning was that someone happy being alone wouldn’t feel a constant need to talk to anyone. Sure, they might feel inclined to, but it wouldn’t be any more bad that wanting a slice of pizza; it could make you happier, but going without it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Continue reading

Coming Out

I remember I was at a friend’s birthday party about three or four years ago, and I saw some facebook post about National Coming Out day in the US. I felt a familiar weight of hopelesness weigh down my heart and make the rest of the day feel like slow torture.
It felt incredibly cruel for the world to rub in the fact that some people got to be themselves, and actually had a chance at happiness, while I had to live a miserable existence, in which no one knew who I was.

When I left for home that night, I felt as if I didn’t have a future, and life would always be awful.
Things have changed quite a bit since then. Continue reading