Love

Love is weird.

I don’t mean in the typical pop song way. I mean more widely. What’s love, anyways? We use the word to describe what we feel towards family, or close friends, or partners, but I can tell you those are all very different feelings. Except… also not? Like I said, weird.

On one hand, the affection and protectiveness I feel for my little brother is not anything like the admiration I feel for my best friend, and how excited I feel learning more about her, even after all this time being friends. However, thinking of both of them brings a similar smile to my face, and I’ve found I feel the same about their flaws. That is, I couldn’t care less about them. Sure, I can see in what ways they’re not perfect, but it just doesn’t annoy me in the slightest. At times, I’ve even found myself feeling closer to someone after learning about those things. It’s like, I can acknowledge that it’s not a great thing about them, but I still love them more for it somehow.

Beyond that, I’ve found love, particularly romantic love, to be such an iffy term. I hear people talking about what REAL love is and what it isn’t, but… who gets to choose what the word ‘love’ means, really? It’s somewhat like describing the colour blue to another person. It’s an old philosophical idea to illustrate how impossible it is to know for sure what it’s like to be someone else. Continue reading

Coming Out

I remember I was at a friend’s birthday party about three or four years ago, and I saw some facebook post about National Coming Out day in the US. I felt a familiar weight of hopelesness weigh down my heart and make the rest of the day feel like slow torture.
It felt incredibly cruel for the world to rub in the fact that some people got to be themselves, and actually had a chance at happiness, while I had to live a miserable existence, in which no one knew who I was.

When I left for home that night, I felt as if I didn’t have a future, and life would always be awful.
Things have changed quite a bit since then. Continue reading

Book Reviews—The Magicians Trilogy

Wow.

Just, wow. I’ve just finished reading The Magician’s Land, Book 3 of the Magicians trilogy, and I am feeling overwhelmed. Reading the first book in the series, I did not expect I would grow to love the last one this much, or that I would feel so strongly about it. This series is excellent in so many ways.

I usually write my book reviews focusing on one book at a time, even when it’s a series. However, it’s impossible to review any part of the Magicians trilogy individually. It is a story that requires the reader to look at it as a whole, and that’s what I’ll try to do here. Before we start, let me just clarify there are no plot spoilers here, though I will speak clearly of character growth. If you can’t stand any kind of spoilers, I recommend reading the books before reading this, though make sure you read as far as the second book before giving up. Continue reading

A Failure

I don’t want to write a post today.

For whatever reason, I’ve been feeling awful the last couple of days. It might be down to the result of the plebiscite, or maybe something hormonal. Or something else. I really don’t know. That’s part of what makes it so awful. I just feel crappy, and have no real clue why that is.

Then there’s something else making me feel worse: I’ve had a lot of people comment on the difference between me now, and me pre-transition. Old me was, unsurprisingly, very very depressing and miserable. I didn’t realise it at the time, but people could see that very easily. There’s one friend from college who heard about ‘some rumour’ involving me, and her immediate first thought was that I must have killed myself. That’s how bad it was.
Me now looks constantly happy. A couple weeks ago, when I learned about people at work gossiping about me, and guys feeling disgusted and intimidated by me, I went to work the next day looking a bit glum. Just a tad. One of my friends noticed and asked what was wrong, then helped comfort me. While comforting me, she happened to mention that she was so used to seeing me at work with a smile on my face, that it was easy to notice when I was upset. Continue reading