Like the sun playing
In the morning
Feel the quiet
Feel the thunder…
Today I remembered how I bought a mandolin out of nowhere one day because one, Paul McCartney has one and used it for Dance Tonight; and two, I was acting like a clingy child with someone close to me, and they’d told me to back off a bit.
I remember crying, walking on the street and seeing a music shop. I walked in, and left a few minutes later a few hundred thousand pesos poorer, with a mandolin slung over my shoulder.
That was weird.
I’ve always had odd ways of dealing with emotional issues.
Anyway. This has next to nothing to do with today’s topic, but I was trying to think of a clever title that had to do with changes, and a Paul McCartney song was the first thing that came to mind, which reminded me of my mandolin story.
Here’s the actual post:
I was washing up in the mirror today when I saw something that looked… off. My hair didn’t look messy, and I hadn’t done my eye makeup on just the one eye (which I nearly did once… whoops). Rather, there was something weird about my lower torso; it looked almost… curvy. It was really bizarre. Not like, kinda curvy; there was a clear and undeniable shape to my waist and hips.
I’ve been noticing changes to my appearance in the last year, and I’ve written about them a few times. There was, for example, the way I was taking a selfie once and just… stared at my phone for a full 5 minutes, because my brain literally could not register that the face on the screen belonged to me. Or how a few months into hormone treatment, I was walking when I noticed I was unconsciously moving my hips from side to side slightly when I walked, because they had shifted a bit.
This felt different, though. When I was planning my transition out, I spent a lot of time looking at HRT timelines, and noticing the awesome way people’s face changed with hormones, or even just with longer hair.
Even though I still needed to adjust to my face being different, I was expecting it, and could predict more or less how it would go. I suppose changes to my body would have been even easier to predict just by looking at other women, but I never thought too hard about them. Perhaps because thinking about my body, much more rectangular then, made me feel upset.
In fact, the way thinking about my body makes me upset has contributed towards this being such a surprise.
I’ve been aware of my waist having a little more shape to it, as I can feel it while showering, and obviously I’ve noticed my boobs growing, but apart from that, I tried to focus more on my face, which made me happy, than my body, which did not.
So unlike the slow buildup of changes in my face, it wasn’t something hidden by slow, incremental change. I didn’t need to compare photographs to notice differences, I only had to look at myself in the mirror, really look, and see the obvious change.
I’m not sure what to make of it.
Don’t get me wrong, I am seriously happy about it. I love love love that my body feels more feminine, and that I look cuter in parts other than my face. It’s a wonderful, freeing feeling. Even so, there is just something very odd about having to get used to a variation of the meat suit I’ve always had.
I know we have all gone through that. I did. I suppose it’s just even more isolating and bizarre when all your friends aren’t going through something similar. Everyone is already done with puberty forever, while I’m going at it again by myself.
I might love the changes hormones are doing to my body, and the difference in temperament I have, and the better, happier personality I’ve been developing as I discover more and more about myself, but I wish I wasn’t going through all of this by myself. I have this blog to document my feelings, and I have friends to talk about it with, but for all of that they are good listeners, they went through this too long ago to relate too much.
It’s fun to keep discovering more and more changes to my body as it develops, but a part of me wishes I could just wake up and have my ‘adult’ body ready to go. I am not completely encouraged by the idea of 4-10 more years of this. Again.