Stream-of-consciousness

I’m feeling very, very tired today and have had a stressful time overall. I tried sitting down and writing something, but my mind kept wandering.
So instead of fighting it, I’ll go along with it and make a super artsy post. Fingers crossed it ends up being something remotely close to worth reading.


I’ve been thinking about insecurity a lot today.

At first, I just focused on my insecurities regarding my appearance. I don’t usually feel pretty or cute or anything, but I still get compliments on it. Why? Literally any reason except that people mean them, my insecurity says to me. They’re lying, or being kind, or just plain wrong.

They have a wrong idea of beauty. How arrogant is THAT?

Plenty arrogant, as it turns out. You might not know this if you haven’t met me in person, but I have an ego the size of the sun. I think sooooo highly of myself and my opinion, and my views… it’s all pretty pathetic.
And yes, I am being facetious to hide from those feelings.

I KNOW I’m an arrogant jerk, but so long as I flippantly admit to it, I don’t really have to deal with it. I’m just being me, yeah?
But not really. That’s not who I want to be, and I don’t think it’s who I am at heart, just who I’ve allowed myself to become. How do you change that? How do you stop being so conceited and selfish?

No clue.

The other set of insecurities I’ve been thinking of is just more general ones, about my worth as a person and not my physical appearance.

When I was young, my parents used to punish me very harshly if I got low grades in any of my classes, and show support and pride in me when I did well. I still have very bad memories of the times I lost big tests or had bad report cards in elementary and middle school, and contrasting memories of their pride when I was named best in my class, or both times I got to skip a grade because I did so well at learning.

Obviously it’s not healthy to blame it all on my parents. I’m my own person and have to take responsibility for the person I am. I do think it all started then, though, with the terrible association they helped my brain make between punishment and bad performance in school, and happiness/affection and public recognition.

Nowadays, if it’s not absolutely clear that I am The Best, I get upset. Like, genuinely upset.
Last year there was a two-month period when I stopped being chosen for a task that, while fun in and of itself, also made it very obvious that you were an agent who had excellent customer handling skills and plenty of knowledge in the product. It got to the point where nearly every night I would hide under my jacket and silently cry in my desk at work, because I felt absolutely miserable.

Miserable because… why?

Because despite KNOWING I’m a kickass agent with perfect performance, I needed attention? Because despite my supervisor and the people above him being aware of how much I had improved, I wanted my peers to know it too?

Why did I care so much?

I didn’t give a shit about not having the more fun task, I only cared about losing the public recognition, about it being clear to everyone that I was objectively better than them.

They gave out some prizes at work today. They were cheap movie tickets presented to the people at work who the trainers thought were best in their group.
As you might guess, I did not get one.

Again, I could hardly care less about stupid movie tickets. I did, however, get irrationally angry about not being chosen. I learned faster than them! I was more knowledgeable than them! I could figure stuff out better than them!
I kept a calm face and smiled, and clapped along with everyone else, but inside I was furious. I got on my bike after work and pedalled home as quickly as I could to try and get the anger out of me.

By the time I got to my room, I just sat on my bed and cried.

Not out of irritation at not being chosen, but because I’m tired of being so awful. I don’t like that I’m the kind of person whose only thought when her colleagues do well is to think WHAT ABOUT ME?
I don’t like that I’m so selfish, and arrogant, and insecure.

Being able to recognise all this is probably the first step, but… what comes next? How do I fix this? How do I move on and stop being such a terrible person, making everything about me?

Sigh.

I’m just so tired. I’ve made a half dozen posts about this now, but I seldom have the energy for anything anymore. Things have been like this for a couple of months, and I don’t see any signs of it getting better. I don’t know what to do, but I’m terrified I’ll make a ‘mistake’ in how I handle stress, and fall into depression.
I know that’s not how depression works, but I’m terrified of going back into it that I get a little irrational.

I like my life. I love that I’m getting to live as myself, and that I have a job that’s close to where I live, and that I occasionally find challenging. I enjoy plenty of things. But I still can’t help but feel a great weight over me on most days.

I am tired.

The street looks beautiful and quiet outside. I wish it were safe to go out for a long walk in the evening air, with the distant roars of cars on the road, and the soft lights overhead. But, it’s not.

I wish I could hug someone, but there’s no one there for me. I’m alone.

I’m alone.

Sure, I have friends, and family, and many people that love me. That’s nice. I guess. I just wish there were a way to get some of this weight off of me, but there isn’t. We all have this. Everyone has something to deal with, and I can’t expect people to continually help me deal.

I still wish I could have help.

Fuck this.

I’m sick of feeling so helpless. I wish I had more freedom and more knowledge and more kindness and humbleness and grace.

Being a human is hard.

I feel so broken, and I don’t know that I’ll ever manage to glue enough of myself into something decent.

That’s how I feel today.

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2 thoughts on “Stream-of-consciousness

  1. Helen Smith says:

    *Hugs!*
    The part of this when you said you wished it were safe to go for a walk in the evening but it’s not just really struck me. Like, I re-read it a few times. I don’t think I fully appreciate the fact I can go outside for a wander pretty much anytime. I mean, I know that’s not usual in many places but I don’t think I really thought about it much…. I’m sorry it’s not safe to walk whenever you want. I hope one day it will be!

    Liked by 1 person

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