Getting to Be a Person

Sometimes I refer to my pre-transition self as a ‘shallow husk’ or ‘not really a person’, among other disparaging terms. The reason for that is partly misplaced resentment at having had to be them, living in the closet, partly justified anger at how weirdly sexist I was back then, but mostly it’s the fact that well, it’s true.

Before I came out, I was the equivalent of oatmeal. I was… there. There wasn’t much to like or dislike about me (apart from the clinginess and misogyny), because there wasn’t much to me. I had things I liked, but that was about as deep as I went. I didn’t have meaningful connections with any other person, and I didn’t have much of a personality.

Voice

Would you like to hear someone’s voice turn from deep and masculine to feminine?

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This is something I published in a facebook group I’m in. Most of you are also from the group but plenty aren’t, so I’m sharing it here, since it’s pretty interesting.

So my gender therapist messaged me earlier in the week and asked if I still had the number for my old voice therapist, since she wanted to recommend him to a new client of hers.

I looked him up in my old email account, and while getting his info, I stumbled on some old recordings of my voice. And oh my god, it’s so terrible. I don’t know how I ever thought it sounded anything but horrible. Which makes me feel a little anxious, as I might look back at my current voice in a few years and feel the same way.

I thought it might be slightly amusing and of interest to hear what that old voice sounded like, and how it’s changed over the last couple of years.

A Story, or Rather Two Stories in One

I was on the bus a block from my apartment when I decided on a whim to just get off the bus and go get my nails done at the salon by the bus stop.

I had to wait a little while, but I’d brought my kindle, so it wasn’t a big deal. When they finally called me, I went to the little special chair, and relaxed as the girl there started working on my nails.

As she worked, I started thinking of… I don’t know, it must have been about two years ago. I’d been going to different salons and getting a clear coat for a few months. It’s not uncommon for guys to do that here, though it’s more common in those with money.

Anyways, socially acceptable or not, it helped get my gender dysphoria down slightly.

Confidence

For the last few years, ‘fake it till you make it’ has been sort of my life mantra.

It’s been applying to everything I do, from working at different positions I didn’t have much experience in, to starting transition and presenting as a gender I hadn’t been raised to present as. Most significantly, I’ve applied it in the context of self-growth.

I wrote a little bit on Sunday about my issues with clinginess, and how difficult my natural intensity makes it to let go of ideas and of people. One of the most helpful strategies at improving in this has been to think of how someone independent and self-sufficient would act and think, and try to emulate it.

What that led to was me missing someone so much it hurt. Maybe I’d force myself to leave the house without my phone, or I’d set periods of time (an hour, or a couple of days) when I wasn’t “allowed” to contact that person. My reasoning was that someone happy being alone wouldn’t feel a constant need to talk to anyone. Sure, they might feel inclined to, but it wouldn’t be any more bad that wanting a slice of pizza; it could make you happier, but going without it wouldn’t be the end of the world.