Do you want to talk about me? Whisper? Pass on some juicy gossip?
Let me tell you all about me, give you plenty to talk about.
Let’s start with the more obvious things, the more tame gossip. This is a bit like chewing gum you’ve had for a few minutes; it’s not new, but it’s still fresh enough that it’s still nice. I’m transgender. I’m a woman with a dick. Gasp. Shock. Oh, no!
End of days, cats and dogs living together, etc.
That’s over with. Let’s keep going.I grew up hating myself. I’ve known who I am in my heart of hearts since I was a very young kid, but since age 13 or so, I started to resent it. I didn’t want to be myself. I hated, hated, HATED it.
I wanted to kill myself. More than once. I had to stop going near roofs or high balconies, because every time a voice inside me would whisper at first, then shout at me to jump off, to kill myself, that everyone would be happy, because who would want to see the real me? I was a freak. Disgusting. Repellent.
So every time I looked at the floor far below, the voice would get a little bit louder, and more difficult to ignore.
Ha ha ha. Fucking brilliant, right? It gets better though. Here are a few more things you might not know about me, so you can tell everyone else for fun.
Can you imagine having to sleep with me? Awful, right? Ugh, even the though of kissing me is disgusting. Haha, can you imagine… hahahaha, can you imagine I actually hope I can get married someday, maybe to a man?
Me! With my disgusting identity, my freakish height, my Adam’s apple, my dick, my small boobs, my face. Me! With a man! hahahaha. What kind of man would want that? What’s more, what kind of pathetic idiot do I have to be to expect it, or even dream about it?
You might as well want Julius Caesar to pop out of a giant cake tomorrow evening and give you an envelope with a billion dollars inside.
Fucking ludicrous. Me, expecting happiness, love, and respect. Oh, man. That’s a good one.
It really does get better.
Did you know my parents kicked me out of their house? Well, no they didn’t quite kick me out, but I wouldn’t have been able to live with them and be myself at the same time. I had to leave home at 21 with barely any money to my name. My parents still won’t use my name.
I also lost nearly all of my friends. Some of them pretend I never existed, and won’t acknowledge my presence. Others just slowly got more and more distant, ignoring messages from me, until one day I realised it’d been half a year since the last time I’d talked to them. Then there are other friends who say they don’t know me. That the friend they cared for died a year and a half ago, and the person calling herself Lili is some stranger they barely know, and don’t care much for.
Hahaha! So not only does this loser (me) get kicked out from her own parents’ house, she’s abandoned by nearly every friend who held a piece of her heart!
Oh, man. Wait till the guys at work hear about this.
Here’s the kicker, though. Here’s the absolute best part: I actually thought I could have a normal life. I thought it wasn’t so bloody obvious I’m transgender. I believed I was worthy of respect. Of dignity. Of love.
I thought I was a human being, or at least worthy of being treated like one.
Well, won’t be making that mistake again.
For all the lovely people worrying about me… I’m okay. I don’t really mean what I said at the end of this post. I just found out yesterday that, like I’d always suspected, my being transgender is a common topic of gossip at work, and that there are some people who are disgusted or intimidated by me. I felt awful yesterday, and writing this felt cathartic. I’m already doing much better.
I might write about this on Sunday or next week in a more nuanced way from a less instantly emotional place.
Thank you for worrying about me ❤