Something happened yesterday.
I won’t go into details because I want to do a better job of respecting people’s privacy here, but what’s relevant is that something happened yesterday, and it left me feeling discouraged and a little bit sad.
I cried a little last night, felt loads better after talking with a friend, than felt sad again this morning. I eventually got over it for the most part, but at one point this morning, while trying to hold back tears, I remember thinking how annoying it was that I felt I wasn’t “allowed” to feel bad.I knew if I told most people about how I was feeling, they’d probably give me unwanted advice on how I shouldn’t let something like that get to me. Overall, I just remember feeling like I would be considered some kind of failure for not being happy.
In the last few months before transition, when I knew my life was about to turn for the best, I felt like shit. Sure, life was getting better and I was about to get rid of HUGE emotional weight, but things were still shitty at the moment. I still had to get up every single day to a job I didn’t find fulfilling or interesting, and to a life in which I had to pretend 24/7 to be someone I wasn’t.
When my former best friend and I parted ways last year, I felt awful for a long while. I would be smiling in the middle of a good day when something would remind me of her, and I’d freeze, uncontrollably start to cry uncontrollably.
There are dozens of similar scenarios. There was the long time I had depression, various fights or break-ups with friends… so many times when bad stuff happened, and I felt sad. In all of those cases, I recall feeling inadequate. I could hear people saying how if I was well-adjusted, I wouldn’t be hurt over that, or how if I didn’t have this character trait, such and such wouldn’t bother me. No matter what it was, it was always my fault. Always something wrong with me, something I was doing wrong, some other way in which I was a failure.
It got to the point where I was starting to get angry and frustrated at myself every time I feel a little blue. Obviously only an absolutely worthless person would let anything get to them. I should have been more like other people, who always seemed to be doing all right. I should be better than myself.
Obviously that’s all nonsense.
Of course we all have room for growth, but ultimately sometimes shit happens and it’s natural to feel upset.
Something bad happened yesterday, and it’s okay that I cried for a while, and felt sad most of the day. It’s normal. External stimuli affect my inner emotional balance. That’s healthy.
I try not to tell people how they shouldn’t feel sad. I understand how constantly hearing “oh you should do this” or “don’t let that get to you!” can mess you up.
Today’s post is brief since I honestly don’t feel up to writing much, but I’ll just end with two recommendations:
Try not to tell people how they should feel, even if you have the best intentions.
Don’t let anyone make you feel your feelings are invalid. It’s okay to feel however you feel. You can both work on yourself and improve who you are, and allow yourself to feel sad or angry or react however feels natural.
Hope y’all are having a better week than I am. Fingers crossed that I’ll feel better by Friday 🙂