I started working again this week.
I used to work for a certain campaign at a call centre, but it shrank in size, so the company moved us to a different product. There was a three month training period, which I thought would be nice. A mini-vacation, really. Getting paid to learn; that’s the dream.
And it was. For a while, anyways.
Eventually, I started growing mad. First, I realised why it is that I spent all of my school years with my nose in a book. It wasn’t just that I was socially awkward and lonely and books entertained me, it was also that reading distracted me from the frustration of being held back by other people. I know how that sounds. You can dislike me for it, it’s fine. I just like being honest in this blog, and it’s the honest truth.
It doesn’t make me better than anyone else, and I know most people have toooooooons of things they are better at than me, but I just happen to be very intelligent, and a quick, instinctive learner.
Anyway. I remembered this because after just a week I was constantly having to bite my tongue to keep from lashing out in frustration as I heard other people asking for clarification on something I understood straight away. It’s all on me for not being more patient and humble, but it still chipped away at my patience.
It kept getting worse and worse. I started playing Solitaire all day to pass the time and avoid showing how much of an arse I am, but that got old quick.
It just got worse with time. I was paying attention for one tenth of the day (while still doing well) and just trying to pass the rest of the time in a blurry haze of cards. Going to work got tedious, and instead of being like a chill mini-vacation, I made it into a stress bomb.
It’s only just now that I’m seeing how much it was killing me.
We’ve only been taking calls for 5 days, but I already feel more alive than I have in a while. I feel challenged and intellectually stimulated. There’s tons I don’t know, but that just means I’m getting to learn a ton. It’s really fun. I suppose this will wear off a bit once I start to know most of what I need to know for my job, but at the moment I’m almost looking forward to taking calls again.
This all got me thinking of balance.
Rest is good, and so is challenging yourself. However, too much of one or the other, and you can end up drowning is stress.
While thinking of what to write, I also began to think about another balance I’ve recently found. I’ve written plenty of my introversion, and how my need to just be alone can make me miserable in a world that feels built for another kind of person.
Lately though, exhausting wedding aside, I’ve been very alone. Moving out of my aunts has meant I now live on my own, and I’m spending hours in a house completely empty except for me. It’s been eating at me.
Somehow though, in the last few weeks, I’ve managed to go out with enough friends, do enough things, see enough family, that I’ve been filling up a part of myself that introverted me sometimes forgets exists.
See, I’m very introverted, but I’m also kind of super outgoing.
Okay, I don’t know whether ‘outgoing’ is the best word for it.
I don’t feel comfortable when I’m in a completely new environment, and I have trouble making new friends. However, I LOVE going out with people. I can’t do it every day, and I can’t do big events. Those do not go well. Still, in moderation, being in company I enjoy, going out and doing things… it gives me a kind of joy I don’t get from meditation, or long solo bike rides. Don’t get me wrong, they’re both wonderful, but they each have a different appeal.
It likely won’t last long, as it never has before, but at the moment I feel happy in all the time I’m spending by myself, and also happy in all the time I’m spending with others. Both things feed into one another, and make each of them feel even more fulfilling than usual.
Here’s to hoping all the balance I’m currently feeling in my life lasts longer than it usually does!