I was about to title this post “Hello, Goodbye” until a little voice in my head whispered I’d already made that Beatles reference before. I looked in the archives and lo and behold, I had written a post with that exact title. The post was about me missing my best friend, who I stopped talking to around a year ago, at her request. I talked a bit about how much I missed her, and how terrible goodbyes can be.
It all ties in nicely with what I wanted to talk about today, which also has to do with goodbyes. See, yesterday was my last day answering calls for the phone service I’ve been providing customer support for this past year. I’m not leaving the company, just moving on to provide service for a different external client. It’s great, as I’ll have weekends off and stop working a night shift. On the other hand, it means I’m leaving behind some of my closest friends from work.
Since none of those friends work on Saturdays, I said my last goodbyes on Friday night, and as I hugged my old boss goodbye I started crying my eyes out, and just hugged him while the tears kept falling.
Is that too dramatic? Maybe I’m just getting too used to how weird hormones have made my emotions. Or perhaps it’s just that my co-workers have been the first people in the world to truly appreciate and accept me as a woman. They never knew me as [deadname] and have been super respectful and wonderful to me this past year. They have also been one of the very few constants in my life this year, as so many things have changed.
Now they won’t be there. And so, the crying.
Fortunately, this chapter of my life isn’t closing on a Friday night with me crying my way to the bus home. We organised a cookout to say goodbye to those of us leaving for the new campaign, and to celebrate a couple others who were promoted to higher positions.
A part of me was afraid I would end up crying again, but I had nothing to fear. It went really well. We played charades, ate a ton of food, and talked a while. I had the best time I’ve had in a long, long time. Now when I think of my old boss and my other friends from work, I won’t be wistfully thinking back to the whole of last year, or of me crying home on a Friday night. Instead I’ll happily remember how much fun we had this last time spending time together.
On further reflection, I think I was mistaken when I wrote that old post about goodbyes. I I don’t think I’m terrible at saying goodbye to people after all, I’ve just been unlucky with the way I’ve had to part with friends. Most of the people who’ve left my life recently have done so because they wouldn’t support my happiness, and the hurtful way of ending close friendships, in one case a friendship that had lasted for over a decade, meant that the emotional wound couldn’t hear properly, and still hurts to this day.
As I get ready to go to bed before my first day working in a different part of the company as my friends, I feel happy. I don’t miss them in that terrible heart-breaking way because, well, it feels right. Not that I wanted our time together to end, obviously, but more that I had a while to grieve, got to say my goodbyes to them, let them know how much I care for them, and end on a good note.
I’ll probably cry a couple more times as I continue to miss them. However, I can already tell that a year from now I won’t be having lunch on a random Saturday and end up crying quietly in a corner as the memory of one of those friends hits me.
Just as the journey matters more than the destination when it comes to stories, the way a friendship changes or ends is every bit as important as the fact it’s changing or ending in the first place.
I’m very glad I got to meet such wonderful people, and to be able to count them as my friends. I’m also happy that I’ll miss them tons, in a healthy way: with all of my love, and none of my melancholy.