I’m the kind of person who will worry about the very last detail of a presentation they need for work, but who laughs about the idea of a 5-year plan for their own life.
I wonder where that comes from. Maybe it’s the fact I’m an idealist. I’ve got a few values in my life that I hold fast to no matter what, but aside from that, I’m open to learning and to change. I’m trying to think of a good metaphor for it. Maybe comparing my attitude to a boat in the sea. I’m not going to go against the current or try to smash through a strong wave, but I’m going to head for my destination no matter what.
Is that a stereotypically feminine sort of thing? I feel like it is. Avoiding upfront confrontation while remaining strong at your core. Hmm.
Anyway. I’m talking about this because someone recently commented on how my life looks like it’s so well put together. Considering I’m barely able to afford more than two meals a day, it’s kind of a laughable concept.
On the other hand…
I work at a job I enjoy. My college education was fascinating, and my life feels richer for it. I don’t live with my parents anymore. I pay all my own bills. I own making medical appointments. I freaking managed to transition into living as a different gender than I presented as before.
Maybe I’m just not doing my own life justice. See, pretty much everything on that list happened kind of by accident.
After I graduated high school, I took a semester off to find myself. That is, to play FIFA pretty much all day, every day. My parents told me I had to find something to do with my time and so, I ended up interviewing to enter the college I did. Honestly, I don’t even know why I chose that University. My parents might have mentioned it offhand, and I randomly went for it.
I didn’t even care about graphic design when I chose to study it. I barely knew what it was. I have no clue how I passed that initial interview.
It totally worked out, though. Not only did I find it super interesting, I also turned out to have natural talent for design. Same for my job. I applied for it literally because of a random suggestion a family member made around the time I needed a new job. I just went for it, despite having exactly zero experience in customer service, and I fortunately both enjoyed it, and turned out to be quite good at it.
It’s been like that my whole life. My transition happened kind of by accident, after a long series of tiny non-decisions and lucky breaks. Sometimes I think of myself as the life goals version of Mr. Bean. I have no clue what I’m doing, but somehow things just manage to work out.
Maybe I’m not that lucky. No one can be that fortunate, to have so many things ‘just work out,’ right?
I also wonder whether things working out isn’t down to luck, but rather down to me. Not because I’m somehow managing things to come up roses all the time, but because I can be happy in many different circumstances.
I’m pretty talented in a very wide range of abilities, and I can learn to enjoy just about anything I can find some sense of purpose in. I might enjoy my job the way I do not because I somehow ended up at just the right job for me, but rather because there are so many different jobs I’d be just as happy at.
I enjoyed Graphic Design a ton, but I reckon there’s a good chance I’d have found literature, evolutionary biology, or engineering just as fulfilling.
I’m the sort of person who tends to look for the bright side in any situation, and who focuses on positives even when there aren’t so many. Maybe the reason I’m generally happy with my life, and the reason things have worked out so well is simply down to how capable I am of being satisfied with life.
Or it’s just dumb luck, and I should go buy a lottery ticket. Whatever it is, it’s working. Long may it continue.