On Monday I am working under a new boss.
I haven’t changed my job or anything, but the supervisors’ schedules at the office are being changed, and it means I’ll be working with someone else now. It’s a little odd. I’ve been working with the same supervisor for the last year, almost. And now… it’s done. I’ll get someone else, who I don’t know all that well.
When I think about it, it’s no really all that long. A year isn’t too much time, especially considering at my last job I worked under the same guy for over two years. Still. I was glad to leave my first job behind, but I’ve been crying this week over the prospect of losing my boss.
Your guess is as good as mine.
I’ve said before I’m a huge fan of the vlogbrothers. They’re two guys, Hank and John Green, who do frequent video blogs, among other things.
Recently, Hank made a video about grief and doing the hard thing, and he said something that really resonated with me: “You can only do so many things you don’t want to do before you just accidentally eat a whole ice cream cake.”
What that means is, we all get this certain amount of self-control and capacity to do difficult things, but it’s a limited resource. If you try to use too much of it, you’re going to end up doing something crazy like indulging in a delicious, huge, and unhealthy snack all by yourself, without really being able to stop yourself from doing it.
Hearing that phrase for the first time gave me so much satisfaction. I’ve gotten into the practise of doing some really random things with my money and time, and I sometimes felt fairly guilty about it. While it doesn’t excuse spending much of my money, it did make me feel a little less crazy to hear my eccentric tastes might be down to just having to make way too many difficult choices every day.
It’s hard to not buy a whole thing of super unhealthy crisps when going to work every day means facing the judgemental stares of dozens of people on the street.
I mention that whole thing about the ice cream cake as a way to explain why I’ve been so upset over changing supervisors.
I’ve been having a year full of uncertainty. In the last year, I’ve lost some of the people closest to me, my job situation has changed, I’m living in very different conditions… hell, there are days in which I’m not too sure how I’m going to afford lunch, or dinner. Every day brings new experiences, and as positive as they are, all the novelty is draining.
Perhaps there’s a reason why my best friend is the mos steadfast, reliable person I know.
We all need a little stability in our lives. As much as I like my current supervisor and miss him terribly, maybe all the sadness I’m feeling now isn’t down to just missing him and liking what he’s like as a boss and a person. Maybe I’m mostly upset about losing one of the few constants I’ve had in my life this past year. They’re few and far between.
Still. As someone who’s flipped her life around once in the last 12 months, I’m no stranger to change. I might feel sad, and a little scared about this big change in my life, I’m also a little excited. Things got markedly better for me last May, when I came out, perhaps this change will also be for the best.
Only one way to find out.
Bring it on.
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