2015. Phew. What a year.
This is the last post before 2016, so I thought I’d go over some of the ways I, and my life, have changed in the last 12 months.
I started the year working at a Conservative Christian school, living with my parents (that’s a thing here… people tend to not move out until they marry) and wondering if I wanted to start hormones. I’d come out to my most of my very closest friends and some people online. No one else knew I was trans.
I’m finishing the year working at a call centre, living with a family member (paying rent, of course), 7 months in on HRT (hormone replacement therapy.) The whole wide fucking world knows I’m transgender, and I can finally be proud about it. No more fear about who knows or who told who, or skulking around, or being terrified someone will know who I am.
In the last 12 months, I’ve lost a few friends, ranging from people I cared about a crazy amount, to people whose rejection made me laugh or shrug my shoulders and go “eeeh, whatever”
I started the year having sneaked into an empty women’s bathroom like once in my life, and am ending it as someone who rarely even thinks about the fact they haven’t stepped into a men’s restroom in over half a year.
My ID went from a disgusting M and a [Redacted] with a huge amount of pain behind his eyes, to a lovely F and a smiling Lily beaming at the front.
I started the year with short hair and am ending it with… short hair, haha. There’s a difference between ‘short for a guy’ and ‘short for a girl’ though, I suppose. I’ve gone from slathering mascara all over my eyes and cheeks to doing a pretty decent makeup routine in like 5 minutes.
I want to talk about stuff other than my gender transition, but it’s hard to. Nearly of the things that have changed this year, whether they have to do with my relationships, myself, and my body, all come back to that one huge thing that has upended my year and my life.
I’ve grown to be a more patient person. I’ve worked at reading more. Sadly, ever since I finished high school I’ve gone from reading 20 books in a couple of weeks, to reading 20 books in a year. It’s depressing, but I’ve put a lot of effort into it, and I’m doing better than I have last year.
I have become a more honest person. A lot of it is down to not having to lie about the biggest thing about me, but its effects have reached far beyond that. I’ve gone from being a nearly pathological liar to just not seeing the point to it anymore.
I have learned what loving someone who is not family really means. That was surprising, and a lot more painful than I thought it would be to learn.
I also learned what losing someone you truly love means. That was perhaps not as surprising, but wasn’t nearly as difficult as I’d prepared for it to be.
This has been a year of change.
My relationships with my friends and family, what are essentially the very first priorities in life, have changed dramatically.
The way men and other women see me has been very different from how they did when the year started.
The way the world sees me has changed completely in very odd and hilarious ways. I still can’t help but just laugh sometimes. Going from being smirked at by random ‘tough guys’ to being wolf-whistled on my way home because I’m wearing a dress isn’t necessarily better or worse, but it’s definitely funny.
The main thing that has changed is the way I think and feel about myself.
I no longer feel a bit of disgust and annoyance when I look in the mirror. Instead I make a ridiculous girly smile and carry that positivity throughout my day. I’m able to connect with others in a better way because I AM myself now, for the first time ever. I can dress in what makes me feel most comfortable, I can speak and act however the hell I feel like it. I no longer feel a bit of self hatred towards myself.
I started this year with a lot of negativity and exhausted cynicism. I’m ending it hopeful, joyous, and hugely positive.
I suppose the briefest way to say it is that I ended the year truly happy for the first time in my life. Hooray 🙂
What about you? What big changes have happened in your life these last 12 months? What are you proudest about? How are you a different person from who you were when the year started?