This post will be a bit shorter than my usual posts. This is down to the fact I broke my left elbow over the weekend, and my typing speed has been significantly lowered.
A lot of people have asked me how I’ve been able to deal with the shitty things my life has served me, or how I usually maintain a positive attitude when hurtful things happen.
The reason for that, fittingly enough, is something that happened about 10 years ago, soon after I’d broken my left elbow back in Middle School.
I’ve always been a bookworm, or at least as far back as I can remember. One time in 8th grade I walked right into a post because I couldn’t put down a book long enough to go to the school bus. Heh.
Anyways, I was exactly the sort of kid who, after being dropped off at school in the mornings, would rush to the school library to check out a book or three. One morning on my way to the library I was unfortunately the sort of kid to be tripped by an idiot, fall on my elbow, and fracture it. After I started crying from the pain, someone helped me to the main office, where I tearfully relayed what happened, while an office employee rang my parents.
I remember describing the appearance of the idiot who had tripped me, only for the lady listening to shake her head and sadly tell me they could not identify who it was, and so the act would go unpunished.
I got angry, but then she said something that’s stuck with me the rest of my life: “Haven’t you ever done something you shouldn’t have and gotten away with it?”
This is not a confessional.
I’ve done plenty of bad things in my life, maybe a couple were worse than breaking a 12 year old’s elbow. Maybe not. Either way, there are things in my life I’m not proud of, and most of them I’ve gotten away with.
I don’t know what exactly that lady meant by saying that, but the way I took it was a little karmic. I’ve done bad stuff and never received punishment for it, so maybe when something happens to me that feels unfair, I can think back to the things I feel guilty for doing or saying, and accept the punishment for that.
I don’t know that this post makes much sense. It’s late, I’m hopped up on painkillers, and I feel hella uncomfortable typing like this.
Here’s my main point: I am able to be a loving, forgiving friend because I’ve received patience when I didn’t deserve it, and love when I could’ve easily been abandoned.
I can handle the difficulties of being a transgender woman by thinking of all the stupid and thoughtless choices I’ve made in my life, and how few consequences I faced because of them.
One of the things I like most about myself is a belief I’ve held and developed within me since that day about 10 years ago: “No matter what comes my way, I will accept it.”
Apparent injustice also comes with seemingly undeserved positive things, y’ know? I like to think things balance out, and all my pain and suffering balance out with love and joy that have come to me from nowhere.